Tomorrow is the last day of my 12 week maternity leave. It seems like just a few weeks ago I was going to the hospital, knowing that I wouldn't be going home without a baby in my arms. So much has happened since that time. At the beginning, I wanted to hurry and get back to my old self and get back to work right away. I was startled to see how much I missed my old life and my ability to get up and go. It's such a weird dichotomy. I wouldn't change having Derek for a minute and yet, I was missing the life I had without him. I can't explain it and to say it out loud, it feels so callous. But, it's the truth. I suppose it's not surprising to feel some sense of mourning for an old way of life. I've felt that every time I've gone through major changes in my life, but that's another post.
I think it was easy to feel that way because being a mom was so new and you're constantly questioning yourself, especially when your decisions affect another human being. That's a lot of pressure. Combine that with lack of sleep and substantive nutrition (and regular showers), and you find yourself missing the days when you could shower daily, eat when you needed and wanted, sleep a full 8 hours and most of all - feel confident in your every ability. Needless to say, having a child changes your view of yourself and your world view. That's alot to take in all of the sudden. And quite the adjustment.
Now, I've got more time as a mother under my feet (as well as more sleep) and I'm feeling a little more confident day by day. Time to go back to work. And another dichotomy arises. I look forward to starting my job again. I love my work. Church and music is the perfect combination. But, that means I have to leave my son. Paul gets to work from home and I am extremely jealous. He gets to see that cute little face anytime he wants. Hold him, kiss him, play with him. I want to work AND spend all day with Derek. We'll see how God works this out. I really pray that I'm doing what God wills of me and what's best for me, my family and my calling. We shall see.
Try leaving this little face every morning and tell me how you'd feel...