Okay, I've Finally Done It

I've moved to wordpress. You must blogroll me immediately.

teresapetroski.wordpress.com

Do it now.

Stirring Up

I'm cleaning my kitchen and playing a worship cd that is really speaking to me as of late. These songs have been speaking to me in this place of adjusting to my ever-changing life. All week I have been really seeking to answer the question, "Who am I now that I am a Mom? Who am I in the midst of post-partum depression?" As soon as I asked God that question and really sought Him to answer it, His answers are becoming clearer with each passing day. With every change in my life, with every doubt I have of myself, every insecurity, there is one thing I can be sure of... I am His. And there is great comfort in that. A very true and real peace that surpasses all of my understanding. More than that, an understanding of His grace being absolutely sufficient for me and feeling His strength encompassing me in my weaknesses. I don't have to be whole, because He is.

I am encouraged, I am stirred up, I am alive and full of joy - in Christ.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
They say, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
My God, in whom I trust" Psalm 91:1-2

Still Standing

walking,stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home,a land that i've never seen
i am changing: less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

when the world has fallen out from under me
i'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
i'll be found in you

theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

you make all things new

when the world has fallen out from under me
i'll be found in you, still standing
every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Will the Real Teresa Please Stand Up

So, I have begun my path on the road to recovery. To claw myself out of the depths of post-partum depression back to (hopefully) feeling like myself again. And as I say and think those words, I wonder, "What does that even mean?" The last time I remember feeling like myself was when I had no human being to rely on me to do that little task of sustaining their life. (I hope you're sensing the tone, cause there is one).

Who will emerge when the dust of hormones settle? What are the parts of me that I will choose to leave behind because they no longer fit as my new role as "mommy"? What will I keep? What will I hold onto, refusing to let go, kicking and screaming as God continues to refine me? And why does this refining process have to be so freaking painful?!?! Why can't refining be a comforting process that feels like getting a foot massage? Or as satisfying as eating toaster strudel? (which I'm officially off of, btw).


I knew that becoming a mom wouldn't be a walk in a field of daisies along calm streams and toaster strudel waiting for me at the end of the path (*sigh*), but I didn't expect the identity crisis.

More of Derek

Why? Cuz he's that awesome! I've accepted my role as a mommy blogger.

Wordless Wednesdays

I just really want to show off my husband's awesomeness...

Penn State Nittany Lion pride

Incognito

Showing off his manliness!

Just stinking AWESOME!

The Two Biggest Blessings of My Life

Paul and I were married for 4 years before Derek came along. And I just couldn't imagine life getting any better. How could it??? My husband was the man of my dreams. Dreams I didn't even know I had until God showed me what dreams really were. He far exceeded my expectations in what I thought I would ever find, want or deserve in a spouse. Then came my son. And God just keeps exceeding my expectations, one right after another.

Go Yanks!!

Everyone - meet the Yankees new 'Rookie of the Year'.

He's being mentored by his namesake - Derek Jeter

Tomboys of the World - UNITE!

My good friend Josh, over at Booyah Achieved, posted a blog about some of of his pet peeves. One being about girls who say they get along better with boys, which received a kudos response. I felt the need to respond for all those gals who genuinely do feel that they get along better with the fellas. For I, Teresa, am one of those girls. Let's get some background.

I grew up with two brothers, one who is 18 months younger than me, and he was my best friend. And although I loved to play with my barbie dolls, it was much more fun to play matchbox cars with my brother. I had a few girlfriends in the apartment complex we lived in, but my brother and I were inseparable and we played army men and GI Joe with the best of them!

Moving onto elementary and middle school, I was so dang small, I was a magnet for bullies. The people that bullied me the most... girls. They were so mean to me and the people that came to my defense... boys. The girls on my block were so cruel, to me and to each other. They gossiped about each other, talked behind each other's back, would give one another a best friend's necklace and then take it back and give it to someone else. It was brutal! And I hated it. I gravitated to the guys on my block who were riding go-carts down the street, playing hide-and-go seek at midnight and ghost in the graveyard. The other girls would just hang out with the boys to try to make-out with them. This annoyed me a great deal. They were distracting from all the fun that was going on! Which made them bully me even more. My middle school years were awful. Except for the guy friends I had. They were great and I will always remember them fondly.

By highschool, my penchant for hanging with the boyz was set. Girls were catty and gossipy and were more apt to stab you in the back than my guy friends who were too busy playing computer games to care about talking about me behind my back. The few girls I hung out with were ladies just like me. We were a few gals in a large group of guys. I rarely ever wore makeup, I hated going clothes shopping and more than likely transformed my brothers' clothes into stuff I could wear. I ran with the boyz and generally got into the same kind of trouble that they did. Of course, this had its pros and cons. But for once in my life, I had friends that I could rely on and trust. And I loved it.

As I've gotten older, this has tempered off more. The women I have in my life aren't like the girls I knew in highschool. Maturity does a wonderful thing, on both sides. I finally see the need to have women to confide in, for things that men just don't understand. But my trust factor towards females is small from the real hurt I faced in my childhood. To this day, I choose my female friends very carefully, especially the ones I choose to have in my confidence. I am grateful for each woman that God has placed in my life. And I still keep in touch with those girlfriends that ran with the boyz along side me.

Also, my husband loves my tomboy side. He appreciates my simplicity of life. I still don't like clothes shopping so I never rack up credit card bills. I go to all sorts of sports events with him and even watch with him at home. However, I do put a little more effort into my hair and makeup. There are those girly things I do regret I didn't catch onto sooner.

That's me, a tomboy.

Wordless Wednesday

I got this idea from The Bloggess' other blog Good Mom Bad Mom. Pix instead of words on Wednesdays. So, here tis:

Mark Thomas introduced me to I Can Has Cheezburger. I dig it big time. This one is for you Mark.

see more crazy cat pics

From there I found I Has a Hotdog. Blogrolled!

see more cute dogs and puppies

And of course, I can't have wordless Wednesdays without Derek.

Thank you and goodnight!

A New and Informative Blog!

My good friend, Krista Ingram, has a blog!!!! Krista has not only been a good friend for the past several years, but also our realtor. So, if you're looking into purchasing or selling a home or just interested in the current housing market, check her out!

For her blog go here.

For her website go here.

P.S. When I say check her out, I only mean her website and/or blog. She's married, fellas, to my boss. Who, coincidentally, has a blog that you can find here.

P.P.S. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What a suck-up. Promoting her boss' wife's website in order to gain some sort of promotion in her own job. Brown-noser!" That is unequivocally untrue!! I am greatly offended by you for thinking such things about me! I would never... hey, wait a second... now that I think about what you're thinking about, I guess it couldn't hurt...

I Not Feeling So Good Today

I Haven't Lost Any Weight While Writing This Post

I've been struggling with my weight since having a baby. There, I've said it. I've been really meditating on this since reading Kelli's blog, which is some really good food for thought, pun intended.

Back when I was pregnant, my doctor would say to me, "Be careful about your weight gain because the more you gain the more you'll have to lose." As I responded to her with a simple, "Okay," I was really thinking, "Don't bother me with your 'logic', lady. Your logic really interferes with my desire to eat a Whopper the minute I leave this office."

Today Paul dragged me I went with Paul to the gym. Even though I know that working out takes time, I was quite disappointed when the fat hadn't melted off my legs after 30 minutes on the lateral bike and my arms weren't chiseled after 30 minutes of lifting weights. As I walked out to the car, there was this magazine with a large headline, "Getting back to your pre-baby body." I immediately grabbed that magazine and opened the page to the article and was just as quickly disappointed to find such sensible headings such as, "Diet and Exercise" "Give it Time" and "Eat Breakfast and Break out That Blender."

I realized something about myself. Every time I see one of those articles, I pick it up hoping for some magic cure to losing weight. I probably know what it's going to say, but I fool myself every time thinking that maybe it will say something different that will cost me very little money and effort, and I emphasize the effort part. Here's what I don't want to do: I don't want to give it time, I don't want to stop eating strawberry toaster strudel, I don't want to exercise 3-5 times a week, and I certainly don't want to break out my blender. I also don't want to lose weight by dangerous surgery or taking some weird pill. I'm that person who is hoping for some magic lose-weight cure-all that won't hurt my body but the pounds will just melt away. -sigh-

So, it's back to the gym. Hello sensibility, bye-bye toaster strudel (o, how I've loved thee). Hello sweat, good-bye sitting around on my butt. I will set my sights to eating healthier (maybe gluten-free again since that's what I should be doing), working out more and dreaming of foods I really shouldn't eat. However, I still refuse to break out my blender. That's just silly.

Fragile And Feeling It

I'm singing at a friend's funeral tomorrow. He died of cancer. I sang at another friend's funeral almost 4 years ago to the day who also died of complications relating to cancer. I sang at a 2-year old girl's funeral back in 2002 who died of a brain tumor. And I have to say that tonight, I'm angry. I'm angry at this disease that takes people that are much too young to leave this world. I'm angry at dying young. I'm angry at cancer. To be honest, I'm a little angry at God. Not in a relationship shaking way, but in a very honest, "Why?" kind of way.

Cancer touches all of us in so many ways. Everyone knows someone who has gone through treatment, on remission, fighting it or passed on. And I think that I'm mourning tonight for all of the ways it has effected me and my family and my friends.

In some way, the death of a loved one is always a reminder to live. And I always regret that it takes someone's passing to remind me how very precious and fragile the life we live is. I know that I should listen to my spirit that says that death is the ultimate healing, the ultimate victory. Where is that line between holding onto my faith and being honest about what I feel? I know that we are not creatures led by our emotions, but God created them within us for a reason.

So tonight, I give these emotions to God and ask Him to help me through. I'm angry, sad, mournful and.... yes, I'll admit it, scared. I don't want to live my life in fear, but I am a little afraid. Afraid of a world I don't understand and the fragility that comes with it.

My Love-Hate Relationship With Thursdays

I've always loved Thursdays, my absolute favorite day. When I worked a normal Mon-Fri job, I loved them because they were the most hopeful day of the week to me. They weren't Fridays where you thought all day long about how you just wish the day was over so your weekend could start. But, Thursdays, you can still be productive and know that the week is almost over, the weekend is at hand, a light at the end of the tunnel. You're past hump day and on the final stretch. I think you catch my drift.

A few years ago I started working at my church and my work week became Sun-Thurs. So, now my love for Thursdays has mixed with the fact that it is now my last day of the week. AND it's rehearsal day for Sunday service. I get to end my week on a day I already loved doing something I love doing - music! There is so much to love about Thursday! As I'm typing this, I'm thinking to myself, "Am seriously blogging about Thursday??? Why, yes. Yes I am." And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Well, now wouldn't that make Thursdays like Fridays and now Wednesdays should receive that love that Thursdays have always had?" The answer to that is, "No." Wednesdays will never be to me what Thursdays are (sorry Wednesdays), and Thursdays will never be filled with anxious anticipation the way that Fridays are. I've obviously put a lot of thought into this.... which I'm now sort of ashamed about, and yet, slightly proud.

Okay, so now my son comes into the picture. And I love my son way more than I love Thursdays, which should go without saying, but I'm just saying. Since we have rehearsals on Thursday nights, I don't get home until after he's gone to sleep for the evening. For awhile there it was okay cause he was still doing middle of night feedings and I would still get to see him shortly after I got home from work. However, he's now sleeping totally through the night, which I'm very thankful for. I'm thankful that he sleeps through the night. Except for Thursdays. Now I hate Thursdays. Stupid Thursdays.

Derek Wants to Say Hey

My Husband Just Does Not Get Blogging....

Conversation I just had with my husband as we're sitting together, "reading"...

Paul: How's that book coming along?
Me: Just give me a minute. I just want to check my Technorati rating real quick.
Paul: While you're at it, you wanna check your dork rating?
Me: I'm blogging that.

That conversation is officially blogged.

***Update: After I wrote this blog, Paul stayed up for another hour and a half fixing his blog. Let's talk dorky.

Shamed Into Isolation

I remember after a year of being married I was talking to a gal who had been married 6 months. All of the sudden, we started sharing all of these ridiculous scenarios in our home lives and the bumps we'd faced being newly married. I mentioned that 6 months into my marriage, I realized that sleeping on the couch wasn't having its intended effect and was only hurting me. Her mouth dropped wide open as she said, "You did that, too???" And I think, for the first time, I realized that people are really suffering from the same things that everyone else is. 1 Peter 5:9 says "...because you know that your fellow believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Now, I'm sure the author was referring to more intense sufferings than, oh say, not putting the receipts on the desk because your husband has asked you to multiple times and you will not be talked to and reminded of things like a child! But, I digress. I'm sure Peter was referring to harder trials than that.

Paul and I had dinner with some friends of ours and they asked how we liked being parents. I was unable to suppress how I was really adapting to parenthood, which has been a rocky adjustment at best. I mentioned my postpartum depression and how it's been difficult for me. It's been a very angry depression (insert sympathy for Paul here). The gal of this couple we ate with talked about her bouts of postpartum depression and a massive amount of freedom overcame me as I verbally vomited all over her as she completely empathized with my feelings of inadequacy and guilt. And the shame that I've felt that I'm not the superwoman that I thought I was. I should be able to be the perfect wife, mother and employee. Why is this so hard? Why don't I want to stay home with my kid? Why do I have the desire to fall asleep at 9pm when I used to be able to stay up and watch Conan? Why do I resent that my life has changed? What kind of mother am I for feeling that way? This can't be normal.

And I found out tonight that it is normal. Isn't that the way it always is? We hide our fears, desires, thoughts, etc. out of some sense of shame that nobody could possibly be thinking/feeling/wanting the same things we think/feel/want. But, if I can just get out of my head and my shame I will find comfort in the fact that I am, for example, not the only wife who sleeps lies awake all night on the couch in a vain effort to punish my husband which only ends up hurting me cause my husband is sound asleep, snoring like a little kitten while I anguish on the couch, and I'm left sleep-deprived with a crick in my neck and a sore back. Again, I digress.

So, in this struggle that I'm still very much in, I will endeavor to get out of my head and share the heartaches I've felt in my becoming a mom with those women whom God has placed in my life to be that sounding board. I will make an effort to get out my isolated cocoon of shame and understand that I cannot be the only one feeling these emotions I feel. However, I will keep a few things to myself, because there are those things that I'm sure could have me committed and/or arrested.

There's Always Derek

On days when I would like to blog but have nothing really to blog about.... there's always Derek. Enjoy!

Back By Popular Demand

You've asked for it and you got it..... more Derek!!!!

My little nugget in his jumparoo. Note how his feet don't touch the ground.

More of him in the jumparoo, exuding his general awesomeness

Feeding himself.... oh yea, that's good stuff

He's giggling now and laughing at everything. He's an incredibly happy baby. How is it that I'm so blessed??? I'm not sure, but I sure am glad about it.

A Life of Testosterone

Yes, my job is in a music department for a church, but it's all male. After a day of dealing with all men I come home to my husband, son and male dog. I thought growing up with two brothers and no sisters was a handful, but this takes the cake. And every single one of these men, minus my son who can't talk yet, feels the need to tease me to no end.

I need more estrogen in my life. A call to all women I know and love, please hang with me more. I need you, desperately!!

A Child's Take on Disneyland

As I was driving my 4 yr. old nephew today we had this little conversation. Please note that there was no prompting or any previous conversation on the topic. He just brought this up out of the blue:

Asher: Mickey Mouse is evil.
Me: Why's that?
Asher: Cause he comes out of my tv set. He's evil.

That one's for you, Mark. Since, you're down on all things Disneyland.

Amazing!

Derek's 5 month pic. Holy crap is this a cute kid! And I'm not just saying this because I'm his mother.... ok, maybe a little - but's he's stinkin' cute! You can't deny that!

A Small Horse Named Reese

I was reading The Bloggess and she just lost her cat after a long struggle to save him. I realized that I have never blogged about my incredibly large chocolate lab named Reese. And no, for all those who go to church with me, we did not name him after our pastor.
We took Reese in when he was 7 months old. My younger brother had rescued him. He was being trained to be a hunting dog when he had some strange accident that left him paralyzed on one side of his face. The vet was told that he was chewing on a stick and it went through the roof of his mouth. The owner was going to have him put to sleep and the vet asked if he could try to find him a home first. My brother took him in, but being a young lab, he was a little too much for the family. Paul had a chocolate lab once when living in PA and he had an instant connection with Reese. We took Reese in and he became our baby.
Paul proceeded to spoil this dog. Reese thinks he's a human. He always needs to be around people. He's hogs the couch. Literally. If we're laying on the couch, he'll jump up and start stretching out, eventually forcing you off the couch. He starts barking at O'dark thirty and wakes everyone up cause apparently he can no longer stand being alone. He loves licking the lotion of my legs cause he just loves the taste of it. He opens the trash can with his nose and then runs to hide when he hears us coming to make him stop. He locks himself in the basement bathroom in the middle of the night and then barks to wake us up to let him out.
I found that in my postpartum depression, I've been incredibly impatient with him and I get very angry at him for always being underfoot. But, I liken his love to God's love. No matter how much I dismiss him or shove him aside, he always greets me with a wagging tail when I come home from work. He comes to say good morning every morning and always has kisses for me. Now, I'm not saying that God licks my face - but no matter how little I pay attention to him, he loves me anyway. That's unconditional love.

Colbert Handles Starbucks Closing With Aplomb

Oscars - European Conspiracy

I watched the Oscars last night and I loved it. I haven't watched them in awhile and I just enjoy watching them. My family used to play this game where each of us would guess who would win for each category and whomever got it right would go around and get to smack everyone five times. It sounds like it could pretty painful, but it never did. Five love taps on the arm. So, the Oscars are a little nostalgic for me. I tried playing the game with Paul, who was in the guest room watching something sports-irific. I kept playing the game with him, even though he wasn't participating. He wasn't too thrilled about it, but I was. It's not everyday I get to smack my husband around, but I digress.

Anyhoo, there were quite a few upsets last night. I didn't have the chance to see many of these movies, being a new mom and all, but you really can gauge a lot from those clips. Javier Bardem from "No Country for Old Men" was definitely going to take it. As was Daniel Day-Lewis, I mean, this guy is incredible in everything he's in. The absolute surprise was Marion Cotillard for "La Vie en Rose". I knew she deserved it. Which is awesome. Cause the actor/actress who deserves the Oscar doesn't always get it. Maybe it goes to the sentimental favorite. Or it goes to the person who seems to be hot on some agenda. I'm sorry, Denzel Washington is amazing, but he shouldn't have won it for 'Training Day'. Back to my point, the young and lovely Ms. Cotillard transformed into the aging Edith Piaf. She deserved the Oscar.

All this said, people are now talking about how the Oscars are as American as apple pie (huh?) and it is just shocking that no Americans won any of the top acting nods. What??? Srsly? Are we actually talking about this? People are, as I type this, analyzing why no Americans won an Oscar. For real? I love me some pop culture news shows, but this is ridiculous! I heard it compared to sports. "A European winning an Oscar is like Japan winning the Super Bowl." I'm sorry, really? We're comparing the Oscars to the Super Bowl? That's like comparing apples to sausages. Mmmmmmm..... sausages. Again, I digress.

C'mon news magazine correspondents. This just makes you look a mite too desperate for stuff to pontificate on, and I'm being nice cause when Britney or Lindsay aren't having a down day - you really do reach for the bottom of the barrel. It's okay if there's not much to talk about for the Oscars. It really is. We won't think you're huge failures if you don't find something to complain about, or find some sort of scandal where there is none. Put the camera down, just put the camera down. Some celebrity will do something stupid tonight and this whole "Nothing terribly scandalous happened with the Oscars" fiasco will all be over tomorrow.

Derek Health Update - Part Deux

So, we just got back from the cardiologist and the sickest person in the room was Mommy with a migraine. He's completely healthy!!

When we first made the appointment, I was nervous that I would be a wreck as the day approached. But, I was reminded of all the wonderful things that were spoken over him when he still in my womb and the promises that God made to me about this little boy. Then, my pastor and friend told me that he really just had a peace about his condition. That was a great confirmation for me. With all the prayers and good thoughts being sent our way, I almost forgot that we had the appointment today. I wasn't nervous or anxious. Which is HUGE for me. I'm anxious over everything.

They did he EKG and took his vitals and he was so active and incredible through the entire process. He was still when he had to be and all the doctors and techs were very impressed with him. The cardiologists came in to do his clinical exam and said that from his EKG and just by looking at him, they were confident that he didn't have any sort of heart failure. If he did have a problem with his heart, he'd have more symptoms than just falling off the growth curve. They listened to his heart and heard no sound of a murmur. However, to be "overly cautious" and for insurance reasons, they decided to do the ECHO to see if he still had the small hole in his ventricle. They did the ECHO and the hole is completely closed! His heart is entirely healthy!!! There is no need for us to ever go back to the cardiology department at Children's Hospital again. One of the doctor's said she was sad she would never see him again, because he's just so dang cute. I told her that I was glad she would never see him again, no offense.

Here's the miracle - the pediatrician heard that murmur in his heart only 3 weeks ago. That hole closed in 3 weeks! I cried and Paul laughed at me. Paul said to Derek, "That's a mommy for you, she'll cry when you're sick and she'll cry when you're healthy. Get used to it, kid." To celebrate, we're buying him a jumperoo.

My faith in the Lord continues to become more and more unshakable. We weren't just praying for Derek to be healthy, we were praying for that hole to be closed. I have to say that God continues to answer my prayers in ways that leave me in complete awe. He constantly exceeds my expectations in what I seek and ask for. I believed that the VSD would close, but I didn't expect for it to happen this quickly. For this, I am speechless and can only get on my knees and be utterly thankful... for everything.

Here's a pic of my healthy and whole little guy. And because he's just so g-darn cute.

Oh Happy Day!

One of the coolest people on the planet now has a blog!

www.borderingonarrogance.wordpress.com

Welcome to the blogosphere PA!

Oh Fer Cute!

Srsly?

Open Flesh Wound

There are times in my life when I feel open and vulnerable. As if I have a large gaping wound in my gut for the world to see. I feel desperate and needy. My soul crying out to be healed. I'm not sure why or when it comes. And it seems to come at the most interesting times. My life is good. My life is absolutely wonderful. I have a faith that fulfills me more than anything I've ever known, an incredible husband, a beautiful son, a job that comes pretty close to being a dream-job and the endless encouragement of family and friends that surround me. I have a life filled with love. And yet, there are times, like tonight, where I feel like my guts are laid out on the floor and I'm bleeding all over the place.
I've never been able to define this feeling that comes and goes like a tornado ravaging my being. It does feel that intense. Where my insecurities rise to the surface and I feel them so acutely. Insecurities that I was sure I dealt with so long ago come back to haunt me. I ask the Lord,
"Why?"
"Haven't we dealt with this?"
"Haven't I moved past this?"
"Haven't I given this over to You?"
I search deep within to find any shred of evidence as to what might be in my life to bring these things to the surface. I want to move past these places that remind me of a hurt little girl from yesteryear. To be the grown-up I always admired in people but never felt in myself. You know that feeling when you're a freshman in highschool and all the seniors look so grown-up and mature and by the time you become a senior you think to yourself, "I don't feel the way those seniors in my freshmen year looked"? Yes, that feeling.
I have adult-like surroundings. House, spouse, child, job.... and I just don't feel like all those adults looked to me as a child. Will I ever feel that way?
I put my hope in God,
"I believe You'll get me through this."
"I'm open and willing, with my guts on the floor."

Derek Health Update

I took the D-man in for blood tests on Monday. The results are good! Everything came back looking just fine. No problems with his kidney and thyroid. Next is the trip to the cardiologist, where I'm positive they'll tell us that he's just fine. Other than the being small thing, he has absolutely NO signs of a kid with any sort of heart problems. That appointment is on the 22nd of this month, so please keep us in mind on that day, in your heart and in prayer. And here's an awesome pic of my healthy little nugget!

This Kid Means Business

Derek - How Do I Love Thee...

We fed Derek his first solids today. A lovely rice cereal that got everywhere. And he loved it! In fact, I couldn't shovel it in his mouth fast enough. He'd get so impatient in between bites that he'd either start fussing or suck the portion of his bib that had rice cereal on it. Here are some pics of the "Rice Cereal Adventure".On a more serious note, I took Derek to his 4 month appointment yesterday. When they weighed him and I saw that he was only 10lbs, 1oz. - I knew that wasn't right. When the doctor came in, he expressed concern over Derek's growth. He has fallen of the growth curve. The first step is to go to the cardiologist. When he was born, he was born with a small hole in his ventrical called VSD, which in essence is a heart murmur. We took him to the pediatric cardiologist when he was 5 days old and she said that it's so small and since he was showing no signs of heart problems, it would probably close up by itself with no surgical intervention. Our only follow-up would be to check back in a year to see if it had closed. Because he's not growing very much, the issue has to be addressed again. If it's not his heart, they will check his kidneys and thyroid.

Of course his mother is vertically challenged and this could be all my fault, and I pray that's what it is. The doctor has taken that into account, but he shouldn't be off the growth curve completely. So, my son has to have a battery of tests done to see why he's so small. So, if you pray - please send a pray up to the Lord for him. And for me. Paul's a rock and his faith is rarely shaken, but I'm not feeling as strong. Friday was hard, but today was a little easier. And I'm sure each day will be as I walk out a path towards my little boy's perfect health.

Bored Out of My Gourd!

It's Friday night and I am incredibly bored. Which is sad. So, I've been surfing for the past.... eh... few hours, and I'm still really bored. I'm so bored that I looked up what a "gourd" was and it's a dried fruit nut. Go figure.

Idle hands really are the devil's playground. I've been searching the net so much this evening I was almost tempted to click on one of those psychic links. Not because I even remotely believe in that, but I'd be amused to see what it says. I resisted that urge. I can think of a million things I could be doing right now. I could be practicing my guitar that has a layer of dust on it. I could be putting together this puzzle that my husband and I bought to have a hobby at home but have only touched once. But, alas, I sit here channel-surfing and web-surfing. LAME!

I could be praying. Which is probably why I feel so restless and nothing is gratifying. I have the dry feeling that you get when you haven't had a glass of water all day and then all of the sudden you realize that you're incredibly thirsty. Why do we push off spending that intimate time with God? Why do we push off the things we need, no matter how much it calls out to us? It's the same vicious cycle. I spend time with God - I feel better - God-time decreases - I feel restless and unsure and wonder why - I realize that it's been awhile since I spent some quality prayer, worship and bible time - I spend time with God... and the cycle begins again.

I am so much more content with myself and the world around me when I do the things I need to do. Drink more water, exercise, eat well , take my vitamins, eat more fiber... (too much information??), spend more time with my Creator. And I avoid these things cause... I'm not sure I have the answer to that. (Well, I know why I don't exercise - cause exertion really goes against my desire to sit.) I could say laziness but I don't think it's that (other than the exercise thing). Lack of discipline, maybe. Lack of motivation, definitely. The only thing that cures motivation is doing something, but how do you find the motivation to cure your motivation?

Well, at least for tonight, I've motivated myself enough to go seek the Lord in prayer, study the Word (not just get my daily bible reading in) and "get my praise on" (as my hubby would say). And it will be a win-win for me cause I can do it while sitting.

Derek, Derek, Derek... we could all use more of Derek!

Paul and I got this awesome gift from his boss of a picture frame to capture each month of our child's first year. His full name is printed across the top. So, every month on the 1st, we take a bunch of pics of him. We choose one to add to the collage. This month's pics were awesome! Here's what I mean....

Awesome

More of the awesomeness
The most awesome-est of all

But, we chose this one. For the sake of our son not hating us for choosing incredibly goofy pics of him and showing them off on the wall to all of his friends and future girlfriends. But, let's be honest, the awesome-osity that our son exudes can be seen in this pic as well.

A New Way of Voting

With the candidates and the state of politics the way it is, I think I've found my new way of voting. This is also reason #234 why I love Stephen Colbert. Oh and Disclaimer: this is in no way an endorsement of any party or candidate. Please be my friend.

How Sweet the Sound

In mid-September, Paul and I went to meet with our doula (birthing coach). When we got there, we were introduced to this lady named Joan (pronounced jo-ann). An elderly lady, she was once a member of our church but had since moved into her dream house in a small mountain town. She had recently been hospitalized and was having to stay in the city due to health reasons, but she was antsy to get back to her home. She was hoping to head back within the next day or two.

We had a delightful conversation. This was our first time meeting, but she had remembered me from singing at the church, which was so sweet. I played Mary in a Christmas play and she mentioned that. We talked about being pregnant and the differences between giving birth today and giving birth when she had children. No drugs whatsoever. All natural. I told her that I was thankful for my option for the drugs. We just had a pretty instant connection. As I chatted with her, Diane (our doula) and Paul waited for me to finish my conversation so we could begin talking about our birthing process.

When we left, I went to her room to say goodbye. She was looking out the window very longingly and you could sense her desire to be somewhere else. Though she loved the family that she was staying with, it wasn't her home and that was where she wanted to be. On September 30th, I was entering the hospital to deliver my son and she was entering the hospital because she had taken a turn for the worse. Today, I sang at her memorial service.

'Honored' is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt when I received the call on Friday and told that she specifically asked for me to sing at her service. But 'honored' is the best that the English language has given me. It got me to thinking about how much we affect the people we come into contact with everyday, be it positively or negatively. I'm sure I've impacted people negatively, but today I was shown that I had made an impact in such a positive manner that I was thought of in this woman's preparations for her final celebration on this earth.

I sat in her memorial service and watched the people she had touched. She led a beautiful life and you could see it in the tears that were shed for their loss. Her family put together a slideshow of her life, beginning at 4 months of age to her last year. She was in her 70's and had led a very rich and full life. It was also a life devoted to Christ. She touched my heart on that morning in September and she inspired me today.

I want to live a life of impact. Where the love of Christ can be evident in the way I live, both here and now and after I go home to be with the Lord. Not for my sake or my own name, but for His.

I'm Sorry, Could You Please Repeat That?

Things My Husband Should Make For You, But Probably Never Will

Unless you are a friend and we have you over for dinner. Which we do quite often, so it really does pay to be my friend. I'm okay with being used for my husband's cooking. I just want to win the popularity contest.

So, tonight, my good ol' hubby is making his amazing Chicken Cordon Bleu. He's not making it for me, he's making it for a friend (see, it pays to be his friend, too). My husband is a pretty amazing cook. He's always been a better cook than me. He's better than me at most things except for music. Music's mine and he can't have it.

Anyway, it reminded me of a story I thought I'd share. When we first got married, all I really knew how to cook was spaghetti. And not the Ragu stuff. Granted, I don't make it from fresh tomatoes, but the ability season tomato sauce is a skill. It really is, so say I. Well, in our first week of marriage, I decided to venture and make him Tator Tot Hotdish. So, I make this dish and it was AWFUL! It wasn't a casserole, it was some sort of milky soupy thing with veggies, bland meat and soggy tator tots, with cheese on top. I cried and he ate, declaring it's goodness. He even ate a second helping and took some for work the next day. Although I knew that he was suffering by eating this crap on a plate, I thought, "Oh, how romantic. He eats my food even when it's bad." (Later on down the road in our marriage I realized that my husband is a "waste-not, want-not" kind of guy. He'll eat anything as horrific as it may be as long we're not wasting the meat that cost us money.)

While I was struggling to make a simple casserole, he's making shrimp scampi, chicken cordon bleu, stuffed peppers, homemade french fries and the list just goes on and on. There's nothing this man can't cook. He honestly makes the best turkey at Thanksgiving.

Tonight, he's making on of my favorite meals and I'll come home from work for chicken, garlic mashed potatoes and sauteed green beans w/ a salad. And food is so exciting to me, I thought I'd blog about it.

**Update: Dinner was awesome.

The Perfect Evening

I got home today and Derek was napping. I had to wait a good two hours before he woke up. He was in my arms from the moment he got up until I put him down for the night. We danced to worship music in his room. To a song where the chorus states, "Nothing compares to what You've done for me..." It was the perfect lyric to a perfect moment.
My life has changed so much. I've lived two completely different lives. When I moved back to Colorado, I was heartbroken and devastated because the direction my life had taken. I did all I knew to do to deal with what I was feeling, which was to not feel it. I drank alot, I smoked a lot of pot. Could've done more drugs, should've done less. But, I hit my bottom. That was as low as I was willing to go. And I turned my face back to the Lord saying, "Nothing I've done has gained me a thing. I guess I'm willing to try it Your way now. I haven't much left to lose and I don't want to lose what's left."
Here it is, 7 years later, and I know what it is to be a new creation in Christ. I look around at my life and I'm amazed. I have more than I ever wanted and so much more than I thought I deserved. And as I was dancing with my son, I felt my worship to the Lord inside the love that I felt for Derek. This is part of my treasure. If I hadn't done all these things to lead me back to this path, I wouldn't have been singing on stage the day Paul walked into the church. I wouldn't have married this incredible man to eventually lead us to create together an amazing child.
And what's even more incredible, I'm closer to getting a glimpse of the love that God has for me as His child in the love that I feel for my child.
All of these incredible miracles all around us that God uses to share with us His amazing love. Some people see it in nature. Some people hear it in music. Today, I see it in my son.

Things I Will Not Buy For My Child

I saw this on another blogger's page and I thought it was amazing.

History in the Making

Disclaimer: The following post is in no way a stance on the writer's political view. This is not an endorsement of any particular candidate. She neither confirms or denies her affiliation with either party. This post is meant to be solely a commentary on recent events in the news. The writer is purposely ambiguous regarding her political views as she is a people-pleaser and would not like to make anyone dislike her on either side of the spectrum. In fact, if you want to criticize her for anything, criticize her for the fact that she refuses to take on any political discussion other than the occasional lecture at her husband who has to love her because he promised to. She'll also talk to people that appear to have the same politics as her, but still very tentatively. She doesn't want to be unpopular. She wants to be your friend. Please be her friend.

We could very well see our first African American president.

Happy New Year (sniff, cough, wheeze...)

I woke up this morning with a sore throat and I've been laying in our spare bed watching tv all day. What a way to start the new year. Good thing TNT has been having an all day Law & Order marathon. So, even when I drift off to sleep, I have Law & Order-induced dreams. Ahhh, sweet dreams of murders and courtrooms. You know, I've decided that people who invest so much time into watching this show should really be given an honorary law degree. Incidentally, I feel the same way about ER and being a doctor. In the very least, I could be a online tv personality giving my opinion on important court cases. I could also be an expert witness or some sort of forensic detective. I'm really willing to take my vast knowledge of tv law and medicine in any direction. I'm flexible. I'll be awaiting job offers. While I wait, I'll continue my law education this evening laying on this bed (sniff, sniff, cough, sneeze, wheeze....)

Other decisions I've made today, Detective Lenny Briscoe (played by the late great Jerry Orbach - also known as the dad who put Baby in the corner) is one of the greatest tv characters of all time.

Hey, there's another job - I could also use my vast knowledge of tv pop culture (otherwise known as useless knowledge) to do.... just about anything really. Game show host, trivia card writer, tv host on Entertainment Tonight. Again, awaiting offers.

And finally, here's a pic of all you Derek-fans. Happy 3-month birthday, mi querido.