Stirring Up

I'm cleaning my kitchen and playing a worship cd that is really speaking to me as of late. These songs have been speaking to me in this place of adjusting to my ever-changing life. All week I have been really seeking to answer the question, "Who am I now that I am a Mom? Who am I in the midst of post-partum depression?" As soon as I asked God that question and really sought Him to answer it, His answers are becoming clearer with each passing day. With every change in my life, with every doubt I have of myself, every insecurity, there is one thing I can be sure of... I am His. And there is great comfort in that. A very true and real peace that surpasses all of my understanding. More than that, an understanding of His grace being absolutely sufficient for me and feeling His strength encompassing me in my weaknesses. I don't have to be whole, because He is.

I am encouraged, I am stirred up, I am alive and full of joy - in Christ.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
They say, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
My God, in whom I trust" Psalm 91:1-2

Still Standing

walking,stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home,a land that i've never seen
i am changing: less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

when the world has fallen out from under me
i'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
i'll be found in you

theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

you make all things new

when the world has fallen out from under me
i'll be found in you, still standing
every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Will the Real Teresa Please Stand Up

So, I have begun my path on the road to recovery. To claw myself out of the depths of post-partum depression back to (hopefully) feeling like myself again. And as I say and think those words, I wonder, "What does that even mean?" The last time I remember feeling like myself was when I had no human being to rely on me to do that little task of sustaining their life. (I hope you're sensing the tone, cause there is one).

Who will emerge when the dust of hormones settle? What are the parts of me that I will choose to leave behind because they no longer fit as my new role as "mommy"? What will I keep? What will I hold onto, refusing to let go, kicking and screaming as God continues to refine me? And why does this refining process have to be so freaking painful?!?! Why can't refining be a comforting process that feels like getting a foot massage? Or as satisfying as eating toaster strudel? (which I'm officially off of, btw).


I knew that becoming a mom wouldn't be a walk in a field of daisies along calm streams and toaster strudel waiting for me at the end of the path (*sigh*), but I didn't expect the identity crisis.

The Two Biggest Blessings of My Life

Paul and I were married for 4 years before Derek came along. And I just couldn't imagine life getting any better. How could it??? My husband was the man of my dreams. Dreams I didn't even know I had until God showed me what dreams really were. He far exceeded my expectations in what I thought I would ever find, want or deserve in a spouse. Then came my son. And God just keeps exceeding my expectations, one right after another.

Fragile And Feeling It

I'm singing at a friend's funeral tomorrow. He died of cancer. I sang at another friend's funeral almost 4 years ago to the day who also died of complications relating to cancer. I sang at a 2-year old girl's funeral back in 2002 who died of a brain tumor. And I have to say that tonight, I'm angry. I'm angry at this disease that takes people that are much too young to leave this world. I'm angry at dying young. I'm angry at cancer. To be honest, I'm a little angry at God. Not in a relationship shaking way, but in a very honest, "Why?" kind of way.

Cancer touches all of us in so many ways. Everyone knows someone who has gone through treatment, on remission, fighting it or passed on. And I think that I'm mourning tonight for all of the ways it has effected me and my family and my friends.

In some way, the death of a loved one is always a reminder to live. And I always regret that it takes someone's passing to remind me how very precious and fragile the life we live is. I know that I should listen to my spirit that says that death is the ultimate healing, the ultimate victory. Where is that line between holding onto my faith and being honest about what I feel? I know that we are not creatures led by our emotions, but God created them within us for a reason.

So tonight, I give these emotions to God and ask Him to help me through. I'm angry, sad, mournful and.... yes, I'll admit it, scared. I don't want to live my life in fear, but I am a little afraid. Afraid of a world I don't understand and the fragility that comes with it.

Shamed Into Isolation

I remember after a year of being married I was talking to a gal who had been married 6 months. All of the sudden, we started sharing all of these ridiculous scenarios in our home lives and the bumps we'd faced being newly married. I mentioned that 6 months into my marriage, I realized that sleeping on the couch wasn't having its intended effect and was only hurting me. Her mouth dropped wide open as she said, "You did that, too???" And I think, for the first time, I realized that people are really suffering from the same things that everyone else is. 1 Peter 5:9 says "...because you know that your fellow believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Now, I'm sure the author was referring to more intense sufferings than, oh say, not putting the receipts on the desk because your husband has asked you to multiple times and you will not be talked to and reminded of things like a child! But, I digress. I'm sure Peter was referring to harder trials than that.

Paul and I had dinner with some friends of ours and they asked how we liked being parents. I was unable to suppress how I was really adapting to parenthood, which has been a rocky adjustment at best. I mentioned my postpartum depression and how it's been difficult for me. It's been a very angry depression (insert sympathy for Paul here). The gal of this couple we ate with talked about her bouts of postpartum depression and a massive amount of freedom overcame me as I verbally vomited all over her as she completely empathized with my feelings of inadequacy and guilt. And the shame that I've felt that I'm not the superwoman that I thought I was. I should be able to be the perfect wife, mother and employee. Why is this so hard? Why don't I want to stay home with my kid? Why do I have the desire to fall asleep at 9pm when I used to be able to stay up and watch Conan? Why do I resent that my life has changed? What kind of mother am I for feeling that way? This can't be normal.

And I found out tonight that it is normal. Isn't that the way it always is? We hide our fears, desires, thoughts, etc. out of some sense of shame that nobody could possibly be thinking/feeling/wanting the same things we think/feel/want. But, if I can just get out of my head and my shame I will find comfort in the fact that I am, for example, not the only wife who sleeps lies awake all night on the couch in a vain effort to punish my husband which only ends up hurting me cause my husband is sound asleep, snoring like a little kitten while I anguish on the couch, and I'm left sleep-deprived with a crick in my neck and a sore back. Again, I digress.

So, in this struggle that I'm still very much in, I will endeavor to get out of my head and share the heartaches I've felt in my becoming a mom with those women whom God has placed in my life to be that sounding board. I will make an effort to get out my isolated cocoon of shame and understand that I cannot be the only one feeling these emotions I feel. However, I will keep a few things to myself, because there are those things that I'm sure could have me committed and/or arrested.

Derek Health Update - Part Deux

So, we just got back from the cardiologist and the sickest person in the room was Mommy with a migraine. He's completely healthy!!

When we first made the appointment, I was nervous that I would be a wreck as the day approached. But, I was reminded of all the wonderful things that were spoken over him when he still in my womb and the promises that God made to me about this little boy. Then, my pastor and friend told me that he really just had a peace about his condition. That was a great confirmation for me. With all the prayers and good thoughts being sent our way, I almost forgot that we had the appointment today. I wasn't nervous or anxious. Which is HUGE for me. I'm anxious over everything.

They did he EKG and took his vitals and he was so active and incredible through the entire process. He was still when he had to be and all the doctors and techs were very impressed with him. The cardiologists came in to do his clinical exam and said that from his EKG and just by looking at him, they were confident that he didn't have any sort of heart failure. If he did have a problem with his heart, he'd have more symptoms than just falling off the growth curve. They listened to his heart and heard no sound of a murmur. However, to be "overly cautious" and for insurance reasons, they decided to do the ECHO to see if he still had the small hole in his ventricle. They did the ECHO and the hole is completely closed! His heart is entirely healthy!!! There is no need for us to ever go back to the cardiology department at Children's Hospital again. One of the doctor's said she was sad she would never see him again, because he's just so dang cute. I told her that I was glad she would never see him again, no offense.

Here's the miracle - the pediatrician heard that murmur in his heart only 3 weeks ago. That hole closed in 3 weeks! I cried and Paul laughed at me. Paul said to Derek, "That's a mommy for you, she'll cry when you're sick and she'll cry when you're healthy. Get used to it, kid." To celebrate, we're buying him a jumperoo.

My faith in the Lord continues to become more and more unshakable. We weren't just praying for Derek to be healthy, we were praying for that hole to be closed. I have to say that God continues to answer my prayers in ways that leave me in complete awe. He constantly exceeds my expectations in what I seek and ask for. I believed that the VSD would close, but I didn't expect for it to happen this quickly. For this, I am speechless and can only get on my knees and be utterly thankful... for everything.

Here's a pic of my healthy and whole little guy. And because he's just so g-darn cute.

How Sweet the Sound

In mid-September, Paul and I went to meet with our doula (birthing coach). When we got there, we were introduced to this lady named Joan (pronounced jo-ann). An elderly lady, she was once a member of our church but had since moved into her dream house in a small mountain town. She had recently been hospitalized and was having to stay in the city due to health reasons, but she was antsy to get back to her home. She was hoping to head back within the next day or two.

We had a delightful conversation. This was our first time meeting, but she had remembered me from singing at the church, which was so sweet. I played Mary in a Christmas play and she mentioned that. We talked about being pregnant and the differences between giving birth today and giving birth when she had children. No drugs whatsoever. All natural. I told her that I was thankful for my option for the drugs. We just had a pretty instant connection. As I chatted with her, Diane (our doula) and Paul waited for me to finish my conversation so we could begin talking about our birthing process.

When we left, I went to her room to say goodbye. She was looking out the window very longingly and you could sense her desire to be somewhere else. Though she loved the family that she was staying with, it wasn't her home and that was where she wanted to be. On September 30th, I was entering the hospital to deliver my son and she was entering the hospital because she had taken a turn for the worse. Today, I sang at her memorial service.

'Honored' is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt when I received the call on Friday and told that she specifically asked for me to sing at her service. But 'honored' is the best that the English language has given me. It got me to thinking about how much we affect the people we come into contact with everyday, be it positively or negatively. I'm sure I've impacted people negatively, but today I was shown that I had made an impact in such a positive manner that I was thought of in this woman's preparations for her final celebration on this earth.

I sat in her memorial service and watched the people she had touched. She led a beautiful life and you could see it in the tears that were shed for their loss. Her family put together a slideshow of her life, beginning at 4 months of age to her last year. She was in her 70's and had led a very rich and full life. It was also a life devoted to Christ. She touched my heart on that morning in September and she inspired me today.

I want to live a life of impact. Where the love of Christ can be evident in the way I live, both here and now and after I go home to be with the Lord. Not for my sake or my own name, but for His.

Things My Husband Should Make For You, But Probably Never Will

Unless you are a friend and we have you over for dinner. Which we do quite often, so it really does pay to be my friend. I'm okay with being used for my husband's cooking. I just want to win the popularity contest.

So, tonight, my good ol' hubby is making his amazing Chicken Cordon Bleu. He's not making it for me, he's making it for a friend (see, it pays to be his friend, too). My husband is a pretty amazing cook. He's always been a better cook than me. He's better than me at most things except for music. Music's mine and he can't have it.

Anyway, it reminded me of a story I thought I'd share. When we first got married, all I really knew how to cook was spaghetti. And not the Ragu stuff. Granted, I don't make it from fresh tomatoes, but the ability season tomato sauce is a skill. It really is, so say I. Well, in our first week of marriage, I decided to venture and make him Tator Tot Hotdish. So, I make this dish and it was AWFUL! It wasn't a casserole, it was some sort of milky soupy thing with veggies, bland meat and soggy tator tots, with cheese on top. I cried and he ate, declaring it's goodness. He even ate a second helping and took some for work the next day. Although I knew that he was suffering by eating this crap on a plate, I thought, "Oh, how romantic. He eats my food even when it's bad." (Later on down the road in our marriage I realized that my husband is a "waste-not, want-not" kind of guy. He'll eat anything as horrific as it may be as long we're not wasting the meat that cost us money.)

While I was struggling to make a simple casserole, he's making shrimp scampi, chicken cordon bleu, stuffed peppers, homemade french fries and the list just goes on and on. There's nothing this man can't cook. He honestly makes the best turkey at Thanksgiving.

Tonight, he's making on of my favorite meals and I'll come home from work for chicken, garlic mashed potatoes and sauteed green beans w/ a salad. And food is so exciting to me, I thought I'd blog about it.

**Update: Dinner was awesome.

Time to Make the Donuts

Tomorrow is the last day of my 12 week maternity leave. It seems like just a few weeks ago I was going to the hospital, knowing that I wouldn't be going home without a baby in my arms. So much has happened since that time. At the beginning, I wanted to hurry and get back to my old self and get back to work right away. I was startled to see how much I missed my old life and my ability to get up and go. It's such a weird dichotomy. I wouldn't change having Derek for a minute and yet, I was missing the life I had without him. I can't explain it and to say it out loud, it feels so callous. But, it's the truth. I suppose it's not surprising to feel some sense of mourning for an old way of life. I've felt that every time I've gone through major changes in my life, but that's another post.
I think it was easy to feel that way because being a mom was so new and you're constantly questioning yourself, especially when your decisions affect another human being. That's a lot of pressure. Combine that with lack of sleep and substantive nutrition (and regular showers), and you find yourself missing the days when you could shower daily, eat when you needed and wanted, sleep a full 8 hours and most of all - feel confident in your every ability. Needless to say, having a child changes your view of yourself and your world view. That's alot to take in all of the sudden. And quite the adjustment.
Now, I've got more time as a mother under my feet (as well as more sleep) and I'm feeling a little more confident day by day. Time to go back to work. And another dichotomy arises. I look forward to starting my job again. I love my work. Church and music is the perfect combination. But, that means I have to leave my son. Paul gets to work from home and I am extremely jealous. He gets to see that cute little face anytime he wants. Hold him, kiss him, play with him. I want to work AND spend all day with Derek. We'll see how God works this out. I really pray that I'm doing what God wills of me and what's best for me, my family and my calling. We shall see.

Try leaving this little face every morning and tell me how you'd feel...

Working Mom

I am beginning a new phase in my life. Working mother. Sheesh, mother is new enough and now I'm adding "working" to the title.

Having a child has completely altered my view of myself. Where do I find my value? How do I see myself? After giving birth, I experienced feelings I didn't expect. I missed my job. Before delivering, I thought it would be nice to have a break. Being the workaholic that I am, I knew that it would be nice to focus on my family. But after delivering, I felt so useless. Yes, I was the life-sustainer for my son, but I still felt so useless. Which led me to think - where do I find my value? Do I truly find it in who Christ is within me or do I find it what I do for Christ? I think I found my answer which has been upsetting to say the least.

As a follower of Christ, I have endeavored to know who I am in Him and who He is in me. My rock, my deliverer, my shelter... all of that has meant something more than regurgitated Christianese. Now I fear that I'm back at square one, struggling to gain a confidence I thought I had. Was it shallow ground? Or do I just have to re-define it now that my life role has changed?

I think that I just got very caught up in the doing instead of the being. I want what I do to have value but I don't want it to be my value.