Fragile And Feeling It

I'm singing at a friend's funeral tomorrow. He died of cancer. I sang at another friend's funeral almost 4 years ago to the day who also died of complications relating to cancer. I sang at a 2-year old girl's funeral back in 2002 who died of a brain tumor. And I have to say that tonight, I'm angry. I'm angry at this disease that takes people that are much too young to leave this world. I'm angry at dying young. I'm angry at cancer. To be honest, I'm a little angry at God. Not in a relationship shaking way, but in a very honest, "Why?" kind of way.

Cancer touches all of us in so many ways. Everyone knows someone who has gone through treatment, on remission, fighting it or passed on. And I think that I'm mourning tonight for all of the ways it has effected me and my family and my friends.

In some way, the death of a loved one is always a reminder to live. And I always regret that it takes someone's passing to remind me how very precious and fragile the life we live is. I know that I should listen to my spirit that says that death is the ultimate healing, the ultimate victory. Where is that line between holding onto my faith and being honest about what I feel? I know that we are not creatures led by our emotions, but God created them within us for a reason.

So tonight, I give these emotions to God and ask Him to help me through. I'm angry, sad, mournful and.... yes, I'll admit it, scared. I don't want to live my life in fear, but I am a little afraid. Afraid of a world I don't understand and the fragility that comes with it.

Derek - How Do I Love Thee...

We fed Derek his first solids today. A lovely rice cereal that got everywhere. And he loved it! In fact, I couldn't shovel it in his mouth fast enough. He'd get so impatient in between bites that he'd either start fussing or suck the portion of his bib that had rice cereal on it. Here are some pics of the "Rice Cereal Adventure".On a more serious note, I took Derek to his 4 month appointment yesterday. When they weighed him and I saw that he was only 10lbs, 1oz. - I knew that wasn't right. When the doctor came in, he expressed concern over Derek's growth. He has fallen of the growth curve. The first step is to go to the cardiologist. When he was born, he was born with a small hole in his ventrical called VSD, which in essence is a heart murmur. We took him to the pediatric cardiologist when he was 5 days old and she said that it's so small and since he was showing no signs of heart problems, it would probably close up by itself with no surgical intervention. Our only follow-up would be to check back in a year to see if it had closed. Because he's not growing very much, the issue has to be addressed again. If it's not his heart, they will check his kidneys and thyroid.

Of course his mother is vertically challenged and this could be all my fault, and I pray that's what it is. The doctor has taken that into account, but he shouldn't be off the growth curve completely. So, my son has to have a battery of tests done to see why he's so small. So, if you pray - please send a pray up to the Lord for him. And for me. Paul's a rock and his faith is rarely shaken, but I'm not feeling as strong. Friday was hard, but today was a little easier. And I'm sure each day will be as I walk out a path towards my little boy's perfect health.