Fragile And Feeling It

I'm singing at a friend's funeral tomorrow. He died of cancer. I sang at another friend's funeral almost 4 years ago to the day who also died of complications relating to cancer. I sang at a 2-year old girl's funeral back in 2002 who died of a brain tumor. And I have to say that tonight, I'm angry. I'm angry at this disease that takes people that are much too young to leave this world. I'm angry at dying young. I'm angry at cancer. To be honest, I'm a little angry at God. Not in a relationship shaking way, but in a very honest, "Why?" kind of way.

Cancer touches all of us in so many ways. Everyone knows someone who has gone through treatment, on remission, fighting it or passed on. And I think that I'm mourning tonight for all of the ways it has effected me and my family and my friends.

In some way, the death of a loved one is always a reminder to live. And I always regret that it takes someone's passing to remind me how very precious and fragile the life we live is. I know that I should listen to my spirit that says that death is the ultimate healing, the ultimate victory. Where is that line between holding onto my faith and being honest about what I feel? I know that we are not creatures led by our emotions, but God created them within us for a reason.

So tonight, I give these emotions to God and ask Him to help me through. I'm angry, sad, mournful and.... yes, I'll admit it, scared. I don't want to live my life in fear, but I am a little afraid. Afraid of a world I don't understand and the fragility that comes with it.

Derek Health Update - Part Deux

So, we just got back from the cardiologist and the sickest person in the room was Mommy with a migraine. He's completely healthy!!

When we first made the appointment, I was nervous that I would be a wreck as the day approached. But, I was reminded of all the wonderful things that were spoken over him when he still in my womb and the promises that God made to me about this little boy. Then, my pastor and friend told me that he really just had a peace about his condition. That was a great confirmation for me. With all the prayers and good thoughts being sent our way, I almost forgot that we had the appointment today. I wasn't nervous or anxious. Which is HUGE for me. I'm anxious over everything.

They did he EKG and took his vitals and he was so active and incredible through the entire process. He was still when he had to be and all the doctors and techs were very impressed with him. The cardiologists came in to do his clinical exam and said that from his EKG and just by looking at him, they were confident that he didn't have any sort of heart failure. If he did have a problem with his heart, he'd have more symptoms than just falling off the growth curve. They listened to his heart and heard no sound of a murmur. However, to be "overly cautious" and for insurance reasons, they decided to do the ECHO to see if he still had the small hole in his ventricle. They did the ECHO and the hole is completely closed! His heart is entirely healthy!!! There is no need for us to ever go back to the cardiology department at Children's Hospital again. One of the doctor's said she was sad she would never see him again, because he's just so dang cute. I told her that I was glad she would never see him again, no offense.

Here's the miracle - the pediatrician heard that murmur in his heart only 3 weeks ago. That hole closed in 3 weeks! I cried and Paul laughed at me. Paul said to Derek, "That's a mommy for you, she'll cry when you're sick and she'll cry when you're healthy. Get used to it, kid." To celebrate, we're buying him a jumperoo.

My faith in the Lord continues to become more and more unshakable. We weren't just praying for Derek to be healthy, we were praying for that hole to be closed. I have to say that God continues to answer my prayers in ways that leave me in complete awe. He constantly exceeds my expectations in what I seek and ask for. I believed that the VSD would close, but I didn't expect for it to happen this quickly. For this, I am speechless and can only get on my knees and be utterly thankful... for everything.

Here's a pic of my healthy and whole little guy. And because he's just so g-darn cute.

Bored Out of My Gourd!

It's Friday night and I am incredibly bored. Which is sad. So, I've been surfing for the past.... eh... few hours, and I'm still really bored. I'm so bored that I looked up what a "gourd" was and it's a dried fruit nut. Go figure.

Idle hands really are the devil's playground. I've been searching the net so much this evening I was almost tempted to click on one of those psychic links. Not because I even remotely believe in that, but I'd be amused to see what it says. I resisted that urge. I can think of a million things I could be doing right now. I could be practicing my guitar that has a layer of dust on it. I could be putting together this puzzle that my husband and I bought to have a hobby at home but have only touched once. But, alas, I sit here channel-surfing and web-surfing. LAME!

I could be praying. Which is probably why I feel so restless and nothing is gratifying. I have the dry feeling that you get when you haven't had a glass of water all day and then all of the sudden you realize that you're incredibly thirsty. Why do we push off spending that intimate time with God? Why do we push off the things we need, no matter how much it calls out to us? It's the same vicious cycle. I spend time with God - I feel better - God-time decreases - I feel restless and unsure and wonder why - I realize that it's been awhile since I spent some quality prayer, worship and bible time - I spend time with God... and the cycle begins again.

I am so much more content with myself and the world around me when I do the things I need to do. Drink more water, exercise, eat well , take my vitamins, eat more fiber... (too much information??), spend more time with my Creator. And I avoid these things cause... I'm not sure I have the answer to that. (Well, I know why I don't exercise - cause exertion really goes against my desire to sit.) I could say laziness but I don't think it's that (other than the exercise thing). Lack of discipline, maybe. Lack of motivation, definitely. The only thing that cures motivation is doing something, but how do you find the motivation to cure your motivation?

Well, at least for tonight, I've motivated myself enough to go seek the Lord in prayer, study the Word (not just get my daily bible reading in) and "get my praise on" (as my hubby would say). And it will be a win-win for me cause I can do it while sitting.

How Sweet the Sound

In mid-September, Paul and I went to meet with our doula (birthing coach). When we got there, we were introduced to this lady named Joan (pronounced jo-ann). An elderly lady, she was once a member of our church but had since moved into her dream house in a small mountain town. She had recently been hospitalized and was having to stay in the city due to health reasons, but she was antsy to get back to her home. She was hoping to head back within the next day or two.

We had a delightful conversation. This was our first time meeting, but she had remembered me from singing at the church, which was so sweet. I played Mary in a Christmas play and she mentioned that. We talked about being pregnant and the differences between giving birth today and giving birth when she had children. No drugs whatsoever. All natural. I told her that I was thankful for my option for the drugs. We just had a pretty instant connection. As I chatted with her, Diane (our doula) and Paul waited for me to finish my conversation so we could begin talking about our birthing process.

When we left, I went to her room to say goodbye. She was looking out the window very longingly and you could sense her desire to be somewhere else. Though she loved the family that she was staying with, it wasn't her home and that was where she wanted to be. On September 30th, I was entering the hospital to deliver my son and she was entering the hospital because she had taken a turn for the worse. Today, I sang at her memorial service.

'Honored' is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt when I received the call on Friday and told that she specifically asked for me to sing at her service. But 'honored' is the best that the English language has given me. It got me to thinking about how much we affect the people we come into contact with everyday, be it positively or negatively. I'm sure I've impacted people negatively, but today I was shown that I had made an impact in such a positive manner that I was thought of in this woman's preparations for her final celebration on this earth.

I sat in her memorial service and watched the people she had touched. She led a beautiful life and you could see it in the tears that were shed for their loss. Her family put together a slideshow of her life, beginning at 4 months of age to her last year. She was in her 70's and had led a very rich and full life. It was also a life devoted to Christ. She touched my heart on that morning in September and she inspired me today.

I want to live a life of impact. Where the love of Christ can be evident in the way I live, both here and now and after I go home to be with the Lord. Not for my sake or my own name, but for His.

The Perfect Evening

I got home today and Derek was napping. I had to wait a good two hours before he woke up. He was in my arms from the moment he got up until I put him down for the night. We danced to worship music in his room. To a song where the chorus states, "Nothing compares to what You've done for me..." It was the perfect lyric to a perfect moment.
My life has changed so much. I've lived two completely different lives. When I moved back to Colorado, I was heartbroken and devastated because the direction my life had taken. I did all I knew to do to deal with what I was feeling, which was to not feel it. I drank alot, I smoked a lot of pot. Could've done more drugs, should've done less. But, I hit my bottom. That was as low as I was willing to go. And I turned my face back to the Lord saying, "Nothing I've done has gained me a thing. I guess I'm willing to try it Your way now. I haven't much left to lose and I don't want to lose what's left."
Here it is, 7 years later, and I know what it is to be a new creation in Christ. I look around at my life and I'm amazed. I have more than I ever wanted and so much more than I thought I deserved. And as I was dancing with my son, I felt my worship to the Lord inside the love that I felt for Derek. This is part of my treasure. If I hadn't done all these things to lead me back to this path, I wouldn't have been singing on stage the day Paul walked into the church. I wouldn't have married this incredible man to eventually lead us to create together an amazing child.
And what's even more incredible, I'm closer to getting a glimpse of the love that God has for me as His child in the love that I feel for my child.
All of these incredible miracles all around us that God uses to share with us His amazing love. Some people see it in nature. Some people hear it in music. Today, I see it in my son.

Christmas Carols

My favorite Christmas carol is "O, Holy Night". The words are just so incredibly powerful and so worshipful.

"O, holy night
The stars are bright shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world
In sin and error pining
Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth"

Just chew on that. Christ was born and your soul felt its worth. Pining for so long for freedom from sin. I was meditating on this thought yesterday, as we listened to the Christmas carols on the radio. Paul asked the question, "Do you think the artists that sing these songs really think about what they're singing?" And I asked, "Do you think most Christians that sing these songs and really think about what they're singing?" I forced myself to really pay attention to the lyrics. They're are so full of glory and joyful declaration of the birth of an eternal savior! And we take so many of these songs for granted. I imagined them being written by a composer completely inspired by their love for a God who would move heaven and earth (and send his Son) to save mankind. The scope of that is so HUGE and almost incomprehensible. It overwhelms my heart.

"Fall on your knees!
O, hear the angels' voices!
O, night divine
O, night, when Christ was born
O, night divine
O, night
O, night divine

I imagined a composer sitting at a piano and writing a love song for Jesus to celebrate and commemorate the day He was born. It's easy to look past these songs without ever thinking on them. You know the words by heart and can sing them while mentally putting together your grocery list. It can become so mechanical.

I don't want it to be mechanical. Not my worship for my Creator. When I sing glorious songs full of joy of His existence, I want it to be from the heart - and not some part of my brain that committed to memory the right words and actions to perform. Worship isn't a performance - it's a life.

I'm no Daniel, that's for sure

I've been reading the book of Daniel. I remember reading the popular stories as a kid, Daniel in the lion's den, the fiery furnace. Those stories were so important to introducing a little kid to a powerful God that can save you from the mouths of ferocious lions and really piping hot fire. But, as I read the book as an adult, an introspective and soul-searching adult, I'm seeing the real meat of the stories - people so passionate about their God that they are willing to die for what they believe, to give up their very lives for a God that gave them that life. What am I willing to give? A faith like Daniel, Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego's compared to my own makes mine look quite apathetic. I know that I will never face the threat of a lion's mouth or to be burnt alive, but what am I willing to forsake? Reading my bible nightly makes me uncomfortable. Praying daily makes me uneasy and seems, at times, cumbersome and burdensome. So there you have it, a few minutes of discomfort and I feel that I've suffered my fair share of persecution!

For a person I believe died for my very eternity, a God I believe breathed into me my very first breath - I owe more. He deserves much more and better. Oprah once said, struggling with trying to lose weight, that discipline comes by doing. You aren't magically motivated. You motivate by getting off your rear and doing something. That's the only way I will give God more. By simply giving Him more. There will never come a day when I will all of the sudden feel incredibly inspired to read my entire bible as fast as I can and pray for hours on end. Faith is endurance. Faith is a marathon. But I can't run the race if I don't at least start by putting on my running shoes. So, here's the passion plan: Today - a chapter of the bible and some prayer, Tomorrow - a fiery furnace... or maybe just more bible and prayer.