Shamed Into Isolation

I remember after a year of being married I was talking to a gal who had been married 6 months. All of the sudden, we started sharing all of these ridiculous scenarios in our home lives and the bumps we'd faced being newly married. I mentioned that 6 months into my marriage, I realized that sleeping on the couch wasn't having its intended effect and was only hurting me. Her mouth dropped wide open as she said, "You did that, too???" And I think, for the first time, I realized that people are really suffering from the same things that everyone else is. 1 Peter 5:9 says "...because you know that your fellow believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Now, I'm sure the author was referring to more intense sufferings than, oh say, not putting the receipts on the desk because your husband has asked you to multiple times and you will not be talked to and reminded of things like a child! But, I digress. I'm sure Peter was referring to harder trials than that.

Paul and I had dinner with some friends of ours and they asked how we liked being parents. I was unable to suppress how I was really adapting to parenthood, which has been a rocky adjustment at best. I mentioned my postpartum depression and how it's been difficult for me. It's been a very angry depression (insert sympathy for Paul here). The gal of this couple we ate with talked about her bouts of postpartum depression and a massive amount of freedom overcame me as I verbally vomited all over her as she completely empathized with my feelings of inadequacy and guilt. And the shame that I've felt that I'm not the superwoman that I thought I was. I should be able to be the perfect wife, mother and employee. Why is this so hard? Why don't I want to stay home with my kid? Why do I have the desire to fall asleep at 9pm when I used to be able to stay up and watch Conan? Why do I resent that my life has changed? What kind of mother am I for feeling that way? This can't be normal.

And I found out tonight that it is normal. Isn't that the way it always is? We hide our fears, desires, thoughts, etc. out of some sense of shame that nobody could possibly be thinking/feeling/wanting the same things we think/feel/want. But, if I can just get out of my head and my shame I will find comfort in the fact that I am, for example, not the only wife who sleeps lies awake all night on the couch in a vain effort to punish my husband which only ends up hurting me cause my husband is sound asleep, snoring like a little kitten while I anguish on the couch, and I'm left sleep-deprived with a crick in my neck and a sore back. Again, I digress.

So, in this struggle that I'm still very much in, I will endeavor to get out of my head and share the heartaches I've felt in my becoming a mom with those women whom God has placed in my life to be that sounding board. I will make an effort to get out my isolated cocoon of shame and understand that I cannot be the only one feeling these emotions I feel. However, I will keep a few things to myself, because there are those things that I'm sure could have me committed and/or arrested.

Derek Health Update - Part Deux

So, we just got back from the cardiologist and the sickest person in the room was Mommy with a migraine. He's completely healthy!!

When we first made the appointment, I was nervous that I would be a wreck as the day approached. But, I was reminded of all the wonderful things that were spoken over him when he still in my womb and the promises that God made to me about this little boy. Then, my pastor and friend told me that he really just had a peace about his condition. That was a great confirmation for me. With all the prayers and good thoughts being sent our way, I almost forgot that we had the appointment today. I wasn't nervous or anxious. Which is HUGE for me. I'm anxious over everything.

They did he EKG and took his vitals and he was so active and incredible through the entire process. He was still when he had to be and all the doctors and techs were very impressed with him. The cardiologists came in to do his clinical exam and said that from his EKG and just by looking at him, they were confident that he didn't have any sort of heart failure. If he did have a problem with his heart, he'd have more symptoms than just falling off the growth curve. They listened to his heart and heard no sound of a murmur. However, to be "overly cautious" and for insurance reasons, they decided to do the ECHO to see if he still had the small hole in his ventricle. They did the ECHO and the hole is completely closed! His heart is entirely healthy!!! There is no need for us to ever go back to the cardiology department at Children's Hospital again. One of the doctor's said she was sad she would never see him again, because he's just so dang cute. I told her that I was glad she would never see him again, no offense.

Here's the miracle - the pediatrician heard that murmur in his heart only 3 weeks ago. That hole closed in 3 weeks! I cried and Paul laughed at me. Paul said to Derek, "That's a mommy for you, she'll cry when you're sick and she'll cry when you're healthy. Get used to it, kid." To celebrate, we're buying him a jumperoo.

My faith in the Lord continues to become more and more unshakable. We weren't just praying for Derek to be healthy, we were praying for that hole to be closed. I have to say that God continues to answer my prayers in ways that leave me in complete awe. He constantly exceeds my expectations in what I seek and ask for. I believed that the VSD would close, but I didn't expect for it to happen this quickly. For this, I am speechless and can only get on my knees and be utterly thankful... for everything.

Here's a pic of my healthy and whole little guy. And because he's just so g-darn cute.

Derek, Derek, Derek... we could all use more of Derek!

Paul and I got this awesome gift from his boss of a picture frame to capture each month of our child's first year. His full name is printed across the top. So, every month on the 1st, we take a bunch of pics of him. We choose one to add to the collage. This month's pics were awesome! Here's what I mean....

Awesome

More of the awesomeness
The most awesome-est of all

But, we chose this one. For the sake of our son not hating us for choosing incredibly goofy pics of him and showing them off on the wall to all of his friends and future girlfriends. But, let's be honest, the awesome-osity that our son exudes can be seen in this pic as well.

The Perfect Evening

I got home today and Derek was napping. I had to wait a good two hours before he woke up. He was in my arms from the moment he got up until I put him down for the night. We danced to worship music in his room. To a song where the chorus states, "Nothing compares to what You've done for me..." It was the perfect lyric to a perfect moment.
My life has changed so much. I've lived two completely different lives. When I moved back to Colorado, I was heartbroken and devastated because the direction my life had taken. I did all I knew to do to deal with what I was feeling, which was to not feel it. I drank alot, I smoked a lot of pot. Could've done more drugs, should've done less. But, I hit my bottom. That was as low as I was willing to go. And I turned my face back to the Lord saying, "Nothing I've done has gained me a thing. I guess I'm willing to try it Your way now. I haven't much left to lose and I don't want to lose what's left."
Here it is, 7 years later, and I know what it is to be a new creation in Christ. I look around at my life and I'm amazed. I have more than I ever wanted and so much more than I thought I deserved. And as I was dancing with my son, I felt my worship to the Lord inside the love that I felt for Derek. This is part of my treasure. If I hadn't done all these things to lead me back to this path, I wouldn't have been singing on stage the day Paul walked into the church. I wouldn't have married this incredible man to eventually lead us to create together an amazing child.
And what's even more incredible, I'm closer to getting a glimpse of the love that God has for me as His child in the love that I feel for my child.
All of these incredible miracles all around us that God uses to share with us His amazing love. Some people see it in nature. Some people hear it in music. Today, I see it in my son.

More of Derek's First Christmas

Have you been waiting with baited breath? I thought so. Here's some more of Derek's 1st Christmas.

More of Derek in that "Winnie the Pooh" hat and booties set. Couldn't you just eat him??? (I mean that figuratively. I would never condone baby cannibalism. I have always spoken against that.)

Silas is very good with babies. He'll sit there and talk to Derek. It's really very cute.

Kisses from Uncle Owy!

Okay, this picture doesn't have any Derek in it, but the nephews wanted Guitar Hero so bad, that they were just so happy about it.

Derek's First Christmas

My baby boy's first Christmas went a little like this....

Jenny-O gave him this great "Winnie the Pooh" hat and booties set. Holy crap, this kid is cute!!!

Once he learns how to use these toys - he's going to think they're pretty awesome. He'll learn how to use them any day now.... he's incredibly brilliant. I know most moms think that of their kids, but in this case, it's absolutely true.

Hanging with the cousins. He's smiling at his Titi Lindsey. He's a big fan of hers.

Abuelita loves her Derek calendar. They'll be hitting the store shelves soon, I'm sure. They're going to be in high demand. I mean, who wouldn't want this kid to keep track of their days.
More to come... stay tuned.....

Hallelujah! He sleeps in the crib!

My mom bought Derek this great bassinet before he was born. She buys them for all her grandkids. It's her signature gift. Well, he's slept in it all of 3 hours in his life. The longest he'll sleep in it is for about 15 minutes. He'll only sleep in his swing. Doctors have tons of reasons why babies don't like sleeping on their back: acid reflux, too different from the womb, yada yada yada. But, he's just getting too big to sleep in his swing. We decided to forego the bassinet and save it for kid #2. Paul went to buy the crib. We put it together yesterday and I was determined to have him transitioned to it by the end of the day. I laid him down for a nap and he slept in it for about 40 minutes. Progress!! Last night, we laid him down for the evening and he wailed for about an hour. Difficult, yes, but my determination was not swayed by the sad cries of my son. After that hour, I fed him and laid him back down. He slept through the night! Waking up once to feed!! I can't tell you how excited this makes me. My chest is puffed up with pride. There's just such an immense feeling of satisfaction that I've accomplished something as his mother, even if it's as simple as getting him to sleep in his crib. Way to go, my beautiful little crib sleeper!

My Cool Bro, part deux

Tony started a weekly blog called "Do the Shuffle" where he gives his review of music on whatever songs pop up. I've placed it on my blogroll and so should you! Here's the link:
http://profile.imeem.com/Zr8c1aD/blogs/

My Cool Bro

Ever since I was a little my older brother, Tony, was somewhat of a hero to me. My younger bro and I idolized him. 9 years older than me, everything he did (and still does) was something to be emulated. Some of my favorite things that were Tony-inspired include bleu cheese salad dressing, the art of making a mix tape, and most of all, my love for good music. If Tony is listening to it, it means it must be worth listening to. Now, he's a minor celebrity in Minneapolis as a DJ for a Sat afternoon radio show, which is only fitting. Now he introduces his listeners, both on the FM dial and web-streaming, to incredible mixes of all kinds of music that you should be listening to.

As a cancer survivor and recoverer of open-heart surgery, Tony is still one of my heroes. Here's to you DJ Fly. Keep rockin'!

You can catch Tony's show online Saturdays from 2-4pm(MST) at: http://minnesota.publicradio.org/radio/services/the_current/

You can also hear him on the MPR podcast "Musicheads".