My Husband Just Does Not Get Blogging....

Conversation I just had with my husband as we're sitting together, "reading"...

Paul: How's that book coming along?
Me: Just give me a minute. I just want to check my Technorati rating real quick.
Paul: While you're at it, you wanna check your dork rating?
Me: I'm blogging that.

That conversation is officially blogged.

***Update: After I wrote this blog, Paul stayed up for another hour and a half fixing his blog. Let's talk dorky.

Shamed Into Isolation

I remember after a year of being married I was talking to a gal who had been married 6 months. All of the sudden, we started sharing all of these ridiculous scenarios in our home lives and the bumps we'd faced being newly married. I mentioned that 6 months into my marriage, I realized that sleeping on the couch wasn't having its intended effect and was only hurting me. Her mouth dropped wide open as she said, "You did that, too???" And I think, for the first time, I realized that people are really suffering from the same things that everyone else is. 1 Peter 5:9 says "...because you know that your fellow believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Now, I'm sure the author was referring to more intense sufferings than, oh say, not putting the receipts on the desk because your husband has asked you to multiple times and you will not be talked to and reminded of things like a child! But, I digress. I'm sure Peter was referring to harder trials than that.

Paul and I had dinner with some friends of ours and they asked how we liked being parents. I was unable to suppress how I was really adapting to parenthood, which has been a rocky adjustment at best. I mentioned my postpartum depression and how it's been difficult for me. It's been a very angry depression (insert sympathy for Paul here). The gal of this couple we ate with talked about her bouts of postpartum depression and a massive amount of freedom overcame me as I verbally vomited all over her as she completely empathized with my feelings of inadequacy and guilt. And the shame that I've felt that I'm not the superwoman that I thought I was. I should be able to be the perfect wife, mother and employee. Why is this so hard? Why don't I want to stay home with my kid? Why do I have the desire to fall asleep at 9pm when I used to be able to stay up and watch Conan? Why do I resent that my life has changed? What kind of mother am I for feeling that way? This can't be normal.

And I found out tonight that it is normal. Isn't that the way it always is? We hide our fears, desires, thoughts, etc. out of some sense of shame that nobody could possibly be thinking/feeling/wanting the same things we think/feel/want. But, if I can just get out of my head and my shame I will find comfort in the fact that I am, for example, not the only wife who sleeps lies awake all night on the couch in a vain effort to punish my husband which only ends up hurting me cause my husband is sound asleep, snoring like a little kitten while I anguish on the couch, and I'm left sleep-deprived with a crick in my neck and a sore back. Again, I digress.

So, in this struggle that I'm still very much in, I will endeavor to get out of my head and share the heartaches I've felt in my becoming a mom with those women whom God has placed in my life to be that sounding board. I will make an effort to get out my isolated cocoon of shame and understand that I cannot be the only one feeling these emotions I feel. However, I will keep a few things to myself, because there are those things that I'm sure could have me committed and/or arrested.

There's Always Derek

On days when I would like to blog but have nothing really to blog about.... there's always Derek. Enjoy!

Back By Popular Demand

You've asked for it and you got it..... more Derek!!!!

My little nugget in his jumparoo. Note how his feet don't touch the ground.

More of him in the jumparoo, exuding his general awesomeness

Feeding himself.... oh yea, that's good stuff

He's giggling now and laughing at everything. He's an incredibly happy baby. How is it that I'm so blessed??? I'm not sure, but I sure am glad about it.

A Life of Testosterone

Yes, my job is in a music department for a church, but it's all male. After a day of dealing with all men I come home to my husband, son and male dog. I thought growing up with two brothers and no sisters was a handful, but this takes the cake. And every single one of these men, minus my son who can't talk yet, feels the need to tease me to no end.

I need more estrogen in my life. A call to all women I know and love, please hang with me more. I need you, desperately!!

A Child's Take on Disneyland

As I was driving my 4 yr. old nephew today we had this little conversation. Please note that there was no prompting or any previous conversation on the topic. He just brought this up out of the blue:

Asher: Mickey Mouse is evil.
Me: Why's that?
Asher: Cause he comes out of my tv set. He's evil.

That one's for you, Mark. Since, you're down on all things Disneyland.

Amazing!

Derek's 5 month pic. Holy crap is this a cute kid! And I'm not just saying this because I'm his mother.... ok, maybe a little - but's he's stinkin' cute! You can't deny that!

A Small Horse Named Reese

I was reading The Bloggess and she just lost her cat after a long struggle to save him. I realized that I have never blogged about my incredibly large chocolate lab named Reese. And no, for all those who go to church with me, we did not name him after our pastor.
We took Reese in when he was 7 months old. My younger brother had rescued him. He was being trained to be a hunting dog when he had some strange accident that left him paralyzed on one side of his face. The vet was told that he was chewing on a stick and it went through the roof of his mouth. The owner was going to have him put to sleep and the vet asked if he could try to find him a home first. My brother took him in, but being a young lab, he was a little too much for the family. Paul had a chocolate lab once when living in PA and he had an instant connection with Reese. We took Reese in and he became our baby.
Paul proceeded to spoil this dog. Reese thinks he's a human. He always needs to be around people. He's hogs the couch. Literally. If we're laying on the couch, he'll jump up and start stretching out, eventually forcing you off the couch. He starts barking at O'dark thirty and wakes everyone up cause apparently he can no longer stand being alone. He loves licking the lotion of my legs cause he just loves the taste of it. He opens the trash can with his nose and then runs to hide when he hears us coming to make him stop. He locks himself in the basement bathroom in the middle of the night and then barks to wake us up to let him out.
I found that in my postpartum depression, I've been incredibly impatient with him and I get very angry at him for always being underfoot. But, I liken his love to God's love. No matter how much I dismiss him or shove him aside, he always greets me with a wagging tail when I come home from work. He comes to say good morning every morning and always has kisses for me. Now, I'm not saying that God licks my face - but no matter how little I pay attention to him, he loves me anyway. That's unconditional love.