There are times in my life when I feel open and vulnerable. As if I have a large gaping wound in my gut for the world to see. I feel desperate and needy. My soul crying out to be healed. I'm not sure why or when it comes. And it seems to come at the most interesting times. My life is good. My life is absolutely wonderful. I have a faith that fulfills me more than anything I've ever known, an incredible husband, a beautiful son, a job that comes pretty close to being a dream-job and the endless encouragement of family and friends that surround me. I have a life filled with love. And yet, there are times, like tonight, where I feel like my guts are laid out on the floor and I'm bleeding all over the place.
I've never been able to define this feeling that comes and goes like a tornado ravaging my being. It does feel that intense. Where my insecurities rise to the surface and I feel them so acutely. Insecurities that I was sure I dealt with so long ago come back to haunt me. I ask the Lord,
"Why?"
"Haven't we dealt with this?"
"Haven't I moved past this?"
"Haven't I given this over to You?"
I search deep within to find any shred of evidence as to what might be in my life to bring these things to the surface. I want to move past these places that remind me of a hurt little girl from yesteryear. To be the grown-up I always admired in people but never felt in myself. You know that feeling when you're a freshman in highschool and all the seniors look so grown-up and mature and by the time you become a senior you think to yourself, "I don't feel the way those seniors in my freshmen year looked"? Yes, that feeling.
I have adult-like surroundings. House, spouse, child, job.... and I just don't feel like all those adults looked to me as a child. Will I ever feel that way?
I put my hope in God,
"I believe You'll get me through this."
"I'm open and willing, with my guts on the floor."
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2 comments:
I have never "felt" like a senior in high school. Ha. I constantly feel like the least mature person around. I thoroughly appreciate your honesty in this post. It gives me hope to keep pushing, knowing that other people experience what I experience.
A lot of times, I feel that no one else feels what I feel in their lives - everyone else seems to be perfectly secure and comfortable with themselves, it makes me wonder what is wrong with me.
It must be natural. I hope so. I also hope that someday, God will help me push through it, but for right now, I am just going to pray that God helps you get through yours.
Tellela, you are a rock star.
I know this feeling completely.
I always feel like I'm a big fake and people are going to discover that I'm just a dorky kid and should not be someone's mom.
I think it's normal...and probably good perspective.
At least I hope it is.
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